Peter and Brian in A Beer Night Out
by Bobby South
Summary: Following the success of Family Guy's Star Wars spoof 'Blue Harvest', here is a brand new spoof series of Wallace and Gromit with Peter and Brian, starting with the first one, 'A Grand Day Out'. This is a tribute to both of duos.
1. Introduction

Family Guy presents:

Peter Griffin and Brian Griffin as Wallace and Gromit

in

A Beer Night Out

by

Bobby South

Following the success of what _Family Guy_ did to _Star Wars_ in _Blue Harvest,_ Peter and Brian are getting their own series of parodying Wallace and Gromit, starting with the first one, _A Grand Day Out_.

Note: None of these belong by me, _Family Guy_ is created by wacky and funny Seth MacFarlane and Wallace and Gromit are the creations of the clever genius Nick Park.

This is not only a parody or crossover, but my very best tribute to two of the finest animators of television of all time.

**Cast List**

Peter Griffin as Wallace

Brian Griffin as Gromit

Joe Swanson as the Cooker

Mice extras include Glenn Quagmire, Cleveland Brown, Tom Tucker, Diana Simmons, Ollie Williams, Mort Goldman, Bruce the Performer and Clan leader Adam West.

* * *

The Griffins were watching the TV. "We now return to _Doctor Who_ staring David Tennant and Billie Piper," announced the announcer.

On the TV, the Doctor was in the TARDIS with Rose Tyler. "Where do you want to go next?" asked the Doctor.

"Surprise me!" exclaimed Rose.

"All right." The Doctor fiddled with the controls and they landed. Rose ran out and saw she was back in Powell Estate in modern London.

"Ha! Got you, didn't I?" laughed the Doctor.

Then the power went off and the whole house was in darkness.

"Oh, no, another blackout," moaned Lois.

"Oh, no, we're not going to do the _Star Wars_ prequels, are we?" asked Stewie.

"No," answered Peter. "I thought of a brand new kind of story. It's about the moon, a rocket, a man, a dog and a cooker. These characters are Wallace and Gromit..."


	2. Where's the Bloody Beer?

Bored, bored and bloody bored! That's how Wallace felt reading the Thomas Cook magazines. He and his friend Gromit spent the whole day in the lounge of 62 West Wallaby Street, looking at these magazines that have spread through the room, like tea or wine stains. Wallace gave up and threw his magazine on the floor.

"Eh, these bleeding bank holidays! No wonder they're difficult to choose," muttered Wallace.

"It all depends on what you like really," retorted Gromit. "I remember when we went to the Canary Islands".

_Three years ago..._

_Wallace and Gromit were at the Canary Islands and they attended a concert with Canaries in the audience. They were watching a rock band of five canaries called the Canary Feathers. They were a litter of drums and electric guitars, with a trailer of a piano. Of course, the lead singer lead the song away. _

_Birds of a feather, all the awesome things to do together _

_Wallace, dressed in a canary suit, arrived on stage ruining the song. _

_"Hi, my name is Wallace," greeted Wallace. "And I'm going to show you what a canary can do."_

_He produced his wings out, he pressed a button and his wings seem to fly up. Then his wings burned up and he fell down. The Canary Feathers and the canary audience laughed at this. Even Gromit laughed at this. _

"_You_ laughed at me like everyone?" a startled Wallace asked.

"Well, it was funny. Besides it was better than that time we went to the Barrier Reef in your so-called "_Reef Peeker_".

_Recent holiday..._

_The beautiful reef of colour and races of fish. No wonder it's one of the Nature Wonders of the World. So wonderful that millions of tourists desire to see it via scuba-diving. Is it so wonderful tourists can build a short, green submarine the size of Big Ben's face to see and visit for more than a couple of hours? Well, one tourist can. Wallace's Reef Peeker! It swam through and has only one window. Wallace and Gromit peeked through._

_"Well, Wallace, I got to handle it to you, I can see the reef closely without getting my fur wet," admitted Gromit._

_"Speaking of closely," said Wallace, not focusing on Gromit, "look at all of these woman scuba-diving without wetsuits! Look at that lesbian couple – a short-shaved ginger hair in a green bikini with a midget in a purple swimsuit!"_

_"Wallace," sighed Gromit. "That "lesbian couple" is a young man with his five-year-old daughter!"_

_Wallace was still looking out. "In that case, it must be fat nipples instead of boobs."_

_Gromit rolled his eyes._

"You know, Gromit, all of this holiday planning is pissing me off," moaned Wallace. "I'm going to get us some beers for us." And he got up.

* * *

In the kitchen, Wallace was humming _Bad to the Bone_by George Thorogood and the Destroyers. He was humming his favourite song as he was preparing glasses with with long straws and ice as gold as an igloo. He put them on the tray with all the food, including a plate of curry and a plate of Margarita pizza. He was very happy. That is until he peered into the fridge. His mood changed 360 degrees around.

"Hey, Gromit, no beer!" he called to the living room.

"Oh, my God," shouted Gromit back.

"Not a fizzle in the damn house!" And, with that changed attitude, Wallace slammed the food to the table in the living room and sat down, more pissed off.

"What with holiday planning and lack of beer -"

"Well, maybe," interrupted Gromit, "if you could mix these two jobs together -"

It was Wallace's turn to interrupt. "We'll go on a beer holiday! The best holiday ever! I'm glad I thought of that, Gromit!"

Gromit began to protest, but then what's the point?

Wallace resumed looking at the magazines. "Places you find beer – Ireland, Germany, Australia -"

"Or," interrupted Gromit, "to save ripping up the Ozone, we could take a visit to the Lake District and visit the bars and spend all our holiday money on beer."

"Well, if you're worried about money and no beer, I have one solution!" Wallace pointed up. And Gromit looked up. "Oh, no," he spat out. "You're not thinking of - !"

"Yes, I sure am, smart dog! Everyone says that the moon contains rivers of beer," Wallace said proudly.

"And just how are we going to get up there?"

Wallace smiled. "This is why _I'm _the master and you're just a dog." He laughed rudely at this, but Gromit just stayed silent and read more magazines.


	3. Building a Rocket or Something Like That

Down below in the dark and cold basement was a brown mouse with a moustache and a microphone.

"Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker of 62 West Wallaby Street News," the mouse announced with his microphone.

"And I'm Diana Simmons," joined in a female mouse with brown hair and with a microphone. "We're here in 62 West Wallaby with news of excitement."

"But, first," interrupted Tom, "let's check our weather with Ollie Williams. Ollie?"

A grey mouse called Ollie Williams was at the window looking at the window. "DARK AND COLD!"

"Thanks, Ollie! Let's see what the giant fat man is doing!"

* * *

At the brown desk, Wallace was drawing on the papers. "Hmm," he thought as he looked on a picture of a _Star Wars_ X-Wing. He scrunched it into a ball and threw it in the bin! Wallace drew another picture – a picture of _Thunderbird 3_. He threw that into the bin. Other pictures included _Star Trek's_ the Starship Enterprise, _War of the Worlds_ alien ships, NASA's ships and Thomas the Tank Engine! The bin was getting full.

"Welcome back," greeted Tom Tucker. "For about the last half hour, the fat man is still struggling with pictures."

"For wasting 2,000 pictures, this man is threat to the environment," added Diana Simmons. "How long will more trees be cut down for this man's short holiday?"

"I'VE DONE IT!" shouted Wallace. Wallace _did_! He had finished his plans for an orange rocket! But that's only the beginning. Now, it's time for...

Wallace jumped onto the wooden plank and began sawing the door. But no sooner had he fallen over and broken the door into mini pieces than he had broken the holder he was leaning on. He began thinking about it. Then Gromit came down with a tray containing a cup and a teapot.

"I thought the least I could do was keeping you occupied with tea," he muttered.

Wallace saw Gromit coming down and has an idea. Gromit gives him the tea, but Wallace doesn't take it. "What?" he asked annoyed.

Gromit found out what "what" was. He had to hold another door from one side, while Wallace resumed his sawing. Gromit began humming _You've Got a Friend in Me_ by Randy Newman.

"Shut that crap up!" shouted Wallace. "It's pissing me off!" He continued his sawing and began humming _Somewhere Over the Rainbow_, more annoyingly. Gromit couldn't stand it and the door he was holding nearly dropped down. He quickly picked up and listened to that dreadful humming.

"And so the plans for building a rocket was nearly foiled if not for this dog," said Diana Simmons the mouse.

"You could add sensitive and intelligent," added Gromit unhappily.

"Thanks, Diana," said Tom Tucker to Diana. "And now go back to Ollie Williams. Ollie?"

"BRIGHT MOON LIGHT!"

"Thanks, Ollie. Now back to the rocket construction."

* * *

As the construction goes, it went like Walt Disney did when he was making _Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. _Gromit was hammering nails into the rocket to make the cover secure and solid. Pity he couldn't do the same for his arm as Wallace was sawing next to him. And obvious you can guess what happened to Gromit.

"Ah, God dammit!" screamed Gromit. "Can't you see where the hell you're going? Aren't your glasses polished enough?"

"Sorry, Gromit. Sorry you can't take care of your own penis!" Wallace shouted back, annoyed by Gromit's offence.

Gromit sighed and walked away, leaving a trial of blood from his shoulder.

Down below a mini boat was flying on a wave of blood with a grey mouse called Cleveland water-skiing behind it.

"This is the life!" he shouted happily to the other brown mice called Quagmire and Bruce.

"All right!" shouted Quagmire, holding a bunch of mice in bikinis. "Giggety giggety giggety goo!"

"Yes, but the blood makes me tingle as this is the colour of death," protested the mouse called Bruce, taking the controls. "Just like the colour of apples, tomatoes and Christmas tree bases, although that can be any colour. Any colour. Not just the rainbow."

Then a drill splat near them. Cleveland struggled to hold on and he fell into the blood. Bruce stopped the boat and the bikini mice pulled Cleveland out of the blood. "Look!" he pointed out with his finger. They looked up. They could see Gromit drilling into the rocket, but it got struck. Gromit tried to spin it around, but _he _span around instead and he flew off! He flew into the river off blood. On the the boat, the mice laughed at him for that!

* * *

A dark side of the room. A brown mouse with glasses was walking. "Oh, God," cried Mort Goldman, the Jewish Mouse. "How could I have left my will at my ex-house when we were forced to move? I know I need to keep it safe and sound, but _now_ I need it in ten minutes and I can't see a thing!"

Then bright sparkles like they were like 60 watts, only ten times brighter – so, wait a minute, that would be... 600 watts – helped him to see. But it's just like a disco – sometimes you can see and sometimes you can't. So he was running in circles. Then he landed on a cupboard. He peered in and then he fell in. And a good thing he did before Gromit fell down, burning his face with his welding stick, let alone his full face protector.

"Oh, my God!" cried Gromit.

"Thank you for helping me find my will," cried Mort to Gromit. "No I can give my will to my children." And he walked off happily, leaving a puzzled and pissed-off Gromit to think.

* * *

"What's this beautiful art work I'm seeing?" asked Tom Tucker. "Is it Michelangelo? Leonardo Da Vinci? Donatello? Raphael? Splinter?"  
"There is no artist called Splinter, Tom!" chuckled Diana Simmons. "Stop comparing renaissance artists to Ninja Turtles. And, no, it's nothing like that. It's only decorating a rocket with paint!"

She's right! Wallace was painting the rocket orange. He was doing the top, whereas Gromit was painting the "arse" of the rocket. And if that wasn't frustrating enough, as he was finished and began to walk away, more paints fell on him! Not just orange, but blue and red and green and different colours! Not only did it make a mess of Gromit, but the bottom of the rocket! Gromit had gone past his rope! He fainted.

"Wake up, Gromit! WAKE UP!"

Gromit jumped upwards and woke up from a sun bed. "What's happening?" he asked puzzled.

"I finished the rocket because I never gave up and I never surrender to – Whatever. Just like Tim Allen never gave up or surrender to Sarris. Unlike you!"

"Look, Wallace, I did my best, but -"

"Another crap excuse. Come on, Gromit, come and see _all_ of my hard work."

Gromit gave up and followed him. Wallace and Gromit, with the unsuspecting mice behind them, were staring at something amazing – a home made rocket!

"A beauty, eh, lad!" said a proud Wallace.

"It sure is," agreed Gromit.

"Wow! What an awesome vehicle!"

The boys turned around and saw an astronaut landing sliding down the ladder from the rocket. He landed next to them and he took the helmet off.

"Buzz Aldrin!" cried Wallace and Gromit.

"I'm stuck on this planet and I need you to get me into space so I can protect the galaxy from Evil Emperor Zurg and his evil army," pleaded Buzz.

"Wow, that sounds important, Gromit," believed Wallace.

Gromit sighed and fainted once again.


	4. What Now?

Wallace, carrying a suitcase, was happily whistling and walking down the stairs. He was as merry as a bunny looking forward to a carrot dinner on Sunday. Then he slipped downstairs all the way and crashed into the wall. Up above, a lose bulb sneaked into his arse. He screamed and around in circles. He calmed down and looked at the stairs. He smelled it. "Gromit's piss!" he thought off, lighting the broken bulb with a fart from his arse. The bulb totally broke! The core of the bulb landed on the fuse and it lit up!

* * *

Meanwhile, Gromit was in the rocket, checking all of the controls. Wallace angrily climbed in with his suitcase, who falls apart, letting all the luggage come out.

"You couldn't be bothered to go to the toilet?" shouted Wallace to Gromit.

"Well," chuckled Gromit cheekily, "I would've have... if you didn't lock the doors already!"

"Oh, never mind," groaned Wallace, giving up. "Just start the countdown."

Gromit launched the countdown, mere seconds of sixty. Meanwhile, Wallace was checking the baggage.

"Let's see. Picnic blankets. Deckchairs. Lindsay Lohan magazines. Straws. What else? Oh, Gromit, unlock the doors!"

* * *

Out in the gardens, two gnomes were stealing carrots and lettuces from the vegetable gardens.

"I don't know if we should do this," said one. "I feel like this is Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid when they went to a train and rob it. I don't see how we're better than them."

"Are you Gnome or Mouse?" the other one spat back. "Wait a minute. Gnomes_ are _the same height as mice. Besides, we gnomes need to live on this. Besides, it's lucky Gordon Brown doesn't know us to lay his laws on... ooooo.... ooooonnnnn...."

The ground was tumbling. The garden spilt in two and was moving away. The vegetables the gnomes have picked had fallen into the crack. The gnomes ran for it, but unfortunately they fell down too.

* * *

Everything was ready. Or so Wallace thought. He checked through the luggage. Everything seemed like a factory had all the cogs and the gears it needs, except a loose one! And that loose cog was...

"No glasses, Gromit!" Wallace finally pointed out. "We've forgotten our beer glasses!"

And Wallace sidled down the ladder and started running up the stairs.

"Hey, Wallace!" cried Gromit through the open window. "What's the hurry?"

"I've lit the fuse," answered Wallace, pointing to the burning fuse. It has nearly reached the rocket! "I assumed - "

"Never mind, just go!" Gromit sighed, giving up.

And Wallace continued up the stairs.

* * *

Down below the stairs, the mice were watching the burning fuse.

"Welcome back, folks," greeted Tom Tucker. "Only seconds to go and, of all time, at this very last minute, they remembered the glasses."

"But still the whole clan has gathered around to see this spectacular take-off," joined in Diana Simmons. "Clan Leader Adam West is taking the stand."

And she was right. Clan Leader Adam West, a brown mouse in red robes, climbed up a pipe and he sat on a shelf with paint pots. "My fellow mice of 62 West Wallaby Street, a spectacular night for all of us. We are about to see two different species on a mission to seek their purpose. To drink. Not to seek new life or new alliance or any of those struggling business. Believe me, I know since I'm your clan leader and you have no idea what I have to go through w-w-w-itt-hh..." He started to wobble, because the paint pots shelf was wobbling and everything fell down.

The mice were surprised at this. They turned around to see the rocket rumbling with orange.

"Oh, God, that's so bright!" cried Quagmire.

"Then put your sunglasses on!" shouted Cleveland. All of the mice do so.

"Thanks to our sunglasses," continued Tom Tucker, "we can now see that the rocket is ready for take-off, but _not_ ready for take-off as the rocket has no – and I hate to say it – Captain!"

* * *

Then Wallace came down the stairs, carrying boxes of beer glasses. He had enough to fill the Hanging Gardens of Babylon and to reach as high as the Twin Towers. Unfortunately, about two thirds of the boxes fell to the ground and broke.. The mice have watched everything.

"Well, talk about a waste of glass!" Bruce spat out.

"Think about the trees who have been cut down just to deliver this!" cried Cleveland.

"Never mind that!" shouted Clan Leader Adam West, painted like a clown. "When they go up there, they'll rip up the ozone layer!"

Inside the rocket, Wallace locked the door. "Okay, Gromit! Off we go!"

Gromit pulled down the first lever, but it activated the air conditioning. He pressed a few buttons, but that changed the radio channels. He pulled a hatch down. The life-jackets came down and fell on his head. Gromit fell down to the ground.

"You want something done," sighed Wallace, sitting on the chair, "you got to bloody do it yourself!"And he started fiddling with the controls. But he was no better than Gromit as he was much more mentally worse than Gromit.

Gromit picked himself up and he saw a handbrake. He took it off and – WHOOSH! Wallace rolled over and landed on his sofa. A fallen chair traps Gromit's head.

* * *

And outside the mice gave applause to one of the most splendid sights ever – a rocket shooting off from Northern England!

"Wow, what a sight!" shouted Tom Tucker happily. "What you have just seen is a real rocket launch. This is more convincing than Yuri Gagarin from Russia being the first man in space."

"Right now," said Diana Simmons, "as that stupid fat man left the door open..." She's right. Wallace has left the door opened from carrying all of those boxes. "We mice can now conquer 62 West Wallaby Street as when Wallace and Gromit come back from the moon, they'll be so drunk, they'll think they live on the news."

The mice cheered as they scurried up the stairs. Lights flicked on, drinks and food stained everywhere and Michael Jackson's _Beat It _and John Williams's _The Imperial March _had taken the house.

"Thank you for watching 62 West Wallaby Street news tonight and don't miss tomorrow's news where we witness Buzz Lightyear lost in Sid's bedroom after being pushed out by 1950s TV show wooden cowboy, Woody, and also President Obama is planning send out some special chemicals to be spread out to the oceans to fight pollution. Good night," concluded Tom Tucker.


	5. Getting to the Moon

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" The entire system must have that awful screaming, as the rocket were racing away from Earth. The rocket would be the perfect mouse to escape the cat!

The screaming was coming from Wallace, sitting on his chair, but still shaking and screaming. "Don't just stand there, Gromit! Do something!" he shouted.

Gromit was feeling sick and he threw up.  
"I didn't mean that!" Wallace shouted again. "I mean fiddle with the controls!"

"Why don't _you_ do it, if you invented the controls?" shouted Gromit back.

"Because I'm the Captain and I haven't the time to fiddle with them myself!" best-as-he-could-answered Wallace. Then a shudder knocked him backwards and now he was stuck with a chair on his arse. "Er, Gromit, could you help me please?"

Gromit sighed and finally decided to fiddle with the controls. He pressed all the buttons, but none of them were working. Then he sees a button in the form of a drunken gay llama holding a beer. Gromit sighed and thumped the button in annoyance. Nothing happened, then... nothing happened at all. The rocket had completely stopped. The power was slowly running and everything was stabilise.  
Wallace and Gromit stared at each and laughed at each other.

"Well, that rocket launch was a success," cheered Wallace.

"Yeah," said Gromit, doubtfully. "But we should have checked it before our mission to the moon by sending the rocket _without_ us."

"Just because NASA does it that way, it doesn't mean _we_ have to do," protested an offended Wallace. "I'm an inventor and I - "

Then his chair fell backwards again. Gromit fell onto the controls activating the rocket. Then the rocket began to spin.

"What the hell are you doing now, Gromit?" Wallace demanded to know.

"Always me, isn't it, Wallace?" argued Gromit. "It's always me when it's sheep or mice or asteroids or -"  
"Asteroids!" cried Wallace. He hides further into the sofa. "Get us out of here, Gromit!"

Gromit sighed and grabbed the joystick.

Gromit's rocket were in a field of giant rocks, let's say about a million giant rocks – the Asteroid Field! Despite their first mission into space, Gromit seemed to handle this rocket well, as well as Luke Skywalker in his first X-Wing when he destroyed the Death Star.

They were nearly out of the asteroid field, when two TIE fighters appeared behind them, firing at them. Gromit spotted them and was forced to turn back.

"What are you doing?" asked Wallace.

"I'm shaking these TIE Fighters off," replied Gromit, concentrating on the flying.

The TIE Fighters were catching up! Unfortunately, the orange rocket took a direct hit! It was slowing down. The lead TIE Fighter boosted forward - to an asteroid! POW! Into a mini supernova it went into. As did the other TIE Fighter. With the bad ships gone, the orange ship flew out off the asteroid field and went back on course.

Inside, Wallace and Gromit were celebrating.

"We did it!" cheered Wallace.

"Yes, you bravely sat your arse on the sofa while I bravely flew the rocket through the asteroid field and lost those TIE fighters," said Gromit sarcastically.

Then the whole went blue – visually bright blue as a kid's light blue balloon. Gromit peered through the window. It was the Starship_ Enterprise_! The radio turned on.

"This is the Starship_ Enterprise_!" called Captain James Kirk on his radio. "Please let us tractor beam you to our ship and we will arrest for shooting two our of fighters for patrolling the asteroid field!" The radio want dead.

"Wait a minute," cried Wallace. "The Starship_ Enterprise _siding with the Galactic Empire? It doesn't make sense."

"That's because it's not the real Starship_ Enterprise_!" snapped Gromit. "It must be a gang of teens of humans that have been spread across the universe and is playing tricks on simple humans like us."

"I have an idea," smiled Wallace.

The Starship_ Enterprise_ started to launch the tractor beam. It got very close to the orange rocket. A little closer. A little closer. Then a little _too_ close! The rocket had gone into hyperspace!

Inside the ship, Captain Kirk slammed his hand on his chair, hurting it. Mr. Spock laughed at this.

"Bashing your hand will not help your health or the situation," he told the captain. "Just go after them by their speed."  
"Yeah, you're right, Mr. Spock," agreed Captain Kirk. "Attention! Prepare for light-speed."

Later, the Starship_ Enterprise_ took off into light-speed and they would've caught the orange rocket if they hadn't want to fast to past them. In the orange rocket, Wallace and Gromit were cheering and were toasting their success with a cup of tea each.

"Oh, crap!" Gromit realised that - "I left the light-speed on!"

"Oh, I have to do everything myself!" sighed Wallace. He went to the controls and turned the light-speed off. As he did, he saw the main thing. "Hey, Gromit, check this space station out!"

Gromit knew what he saw. "That's no space station. It's the moon." Then he realised - "Oh, my God! My valuable Sean Bean signed beer glasses!" He ran to get them and hold them tight.

The rocket was coming in to fast. "We're going in too fast!" shouted Wallace.

"PRESS THE BRAKE AND LIFT THE HANDBRAKE UP!" commanded Gromit.

Wallace pulled the handbrake up. It seemed to make no difference until the very last second when it stopped. Wallace cheered. "We did it!" he smiled proudly. "Now gently does it!"

Gromit gasped, knowing Wallace doesn't do stuff gently. "Wallace, NOOOOO!"

But it was too late. Wallace pushed the handbrake down, not slowly or gently. But very quick and rough! It landed on the moon all right, but it dug in too deep the size of the island of Malta! Inside, the rocket shook! Wallace was in his chair so he was as safe as rocket cockpits. "Well, here we are... G-G-Gromit?"

Wallace went white as Gromit was glaring at him, with glass surrounding his body.

"HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET BEER GLASSES SIGNED BY SEAN BEAN HIMSELF? DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I'VE BEEN WAITING?"

* * *

_Four months ago, in Sheffield, a Sci-Fi convention took place at Meadow Hall. It included _Star Wars, Star Trek, Stargate, Doctor Who, Primeval_ and _Lord of the Rings._ It had Sean Bean there too signing not on autograph books or pictures but on beer glasses. Gromit had been waiting for this for a long time and he had never felt happier getting not one but two beer glasses since he was that of a big fan of this Northern actor. But his moment was spoiled when he and Sean was about to get a photograph, when all it took was Wallace drinking beer... out of Gromit's beer glasses._

_"What?" he asked the annoyed friends. "I was drinking to the health of Boromir, the heir to Gondor."_

_Sean laughed at this, but Gromit bashed his head on the tail. "Wallace, it was Aragon who got the throne!"_

_

* * *

_

"Well, at least, I don't think it was as bad as the Starship Enterprise," Wallace protested.

That was the first thing Wallace said right. The Starship _Enterprise_ has crash-landed on the planet Klingon, where the ship has crashed and the crew are hurt! They met Klingons, dressed as fluffy pink bunnies.

"Well, glad you made it to my fancy dress party," greeted the Klingon Leader, "but don't tell me you haven't been chasing simple Earthlings again."

"I'm afraid we have," admitted Captain Kirk, in a Bolton accent. He took his mask off. He was a Klingon in disguise. As were the rest of the crew. "These humans are easily fooled any more," Kirk went on. "I should give up."

"Yeah," agreed the Klingon Leader. "You should. But, anyway, forget that. Let's go an have some Klingon wine, Klingon jelly, Klingon nachos..."  
"Wait a minute," interrupted Kirk. "Is there anything that's not Klingon? Besides, what's with the bunny costumes?"

And, with that, they stared at each other for a very, very long time, not knowing what to say to each other.


	6. Tasting the Moon

Wallace climbed down the stairs. Gromit was carrying the glass beers. He slid down the stairs and landed on a giant rock, hitting his genitals!

"Careful, Gromit," advised Wallace. "Those are delicate, you know."

"Then why do we _need_ this many and _how_ are we going to do -"

"Here contains the answers," replied Wallace, pointing to rocket.

"The arse of a ship?"

"No." Wallace pulled down a lever. A hatch appeared from the rocket, lowering. Out appears Wallace's _Smooth Water-Hovering Sails_ (that's what he called his yacht). But as he pulled the sails out, the yacht lifted off into space and it flew out! Then Wallace tried his _Speedy Fan Zoom_ (his hovercraft name). Too bad the hovercraft zoomed straight off.

_What's next?_ thought Gromit. His fears were proved corrected as Wallace's submarine _Reef Peeker_ sank and _Superboat,_ his lifeboat, zoomed off! Then Wallace pulled out a row boat, entitled _Slowboat_.

* * *

And, later, Wallace was enjoying life on this boat. He took as a glass and swooped it into the river of beer and took a whole pint. "Hmm, this is like Badger's First Gold or Marston's Double Drop. What do you think, Gromit?"

Gromit was huffing and puffing, rowing all of the oars. "I think I'm a slave rowing a fat drunk on the Ebro River." And he was not wrong. The part of the moon they were rowing on was an exact copy of Ebro River.

Gromit was panting and rowing.

"Here, have a drink," Wallace smiled, giving him a glass of beer. Gromit takes the beer and takes a drink. He spits it out. Wallace laughed at this.

"Coffee mixed with your pee?" Gromit was very angry. "I know it's not the beer in this river, in the resemble of the Volga River."

"Hey, stop!" Wallace ordered. Gromit happily did so and started to rest.

"Now you don't see _that_ on every moon, do you?" pointed out Wallace. Gromit got up again and saw something. A yellow cooker on wheels!

"Yeah, you don't see _that _every moon," agreed Gromit. "What are you doing?" he asked later.

"Look, there's a coin slot. I'm going to put a 10p in it," answered Wallace. But, when he did, nothing happened. Wallace waved to it. Nothing happened. Wallace bashed it on the head with a hammer. It dented, but it didn't move. "Come on!" he shouted. "Do something awesome, for once, you stupid - " He was fiddling with one of the buttons that popped out. A panicking Wallace shoved it back in.

"Gromit, row us away!" ordered Wallace. And, after a mere minute of resting, Gromit hesitatingly picked up the oars and roared away.

* * *

But, five minutes later, the coin slot switched to ten minutes. Then arms shot out of the cooker and they stretched like a human being. The cooker made a yawning noise

"Boy," it yawned. "Does it feel good to alive for... ten minutes! After being frozen for twenty years, once the property to Cape Ford and – Whoa! Ten minutes? I'd better make the most as I can."

It got out a telescope out of its drawer and saw the moon landscape. From what it could tell, the moon was the same. Then he saw the orange rocket.

"Hmm, I'd better check that out," it thought. So it put the telescope back in the drawer and it wheeled itself there. BUMP!

"God dammit!" the cooker angrily shouted. "I can't control my bloody wheels!" Then it let steam out of its rear end. "All right. Take it easy and give these guys a ticket." The cooker did so and put it on the rocket. He began to wheel away, but it slipped on something and fell down. It angrily picked itself and began to turn.

"What the hell are you trying to do to - " Then the cooker stopped and it saw a skiing magazine. It took a read at it. One picture and already it took the cooker further beyond the stars. As it began to dream...

_In its dream, it was skiing down the floating mountains in space. It was catching up with a skiing washing machine and a skiing tumble dryer. The Cooker knocked over the tumble dryer. The finishing line was not far from behind. The Cooker chucked an ice cube into the washing machine. As the washing machine leaned down and went faster, it froze and skidded out of control. It crashed into the crowd stand of cheering washing machines. The Cooker wins! It wheeled to the cup and got it. Everyone cheered for the Cooker. Then screaming could be heard._

The Cooker was rudely waked up. It put the magazine back on the ground, but quickly had second thoughts and put it in its drawer. It got out its telescope and gazed through the moon. Nothing but a man and a dog on a row boat. Wait a minute! A man and a dog on a row boat? On the rivers of the moon?

* * *

Gromit had enough of rowing and sat back, laying down, going to sleep. Then Wallace's green tank top landed on his face. Gromit woke up and, as he got up, Wallace's shirt was wrapped around his neck, and only his nose was free from the brown baggy trousers, but it wasn't free from Wallace's "dirty underwear", as Gromit called it. He took them off and saw Wallace drunkenly swimming in the beer sea.

"Wallace, are you skinny-diving in the beer river on the moon?"

"That's right, Gromit," replied Wallace drunkenly. "In the River Gambia." And he dived further down.

Gromit sighed and dived in. But, when Gromit pulled Wallace out, Gromit was acting now drunkly too. They kept on breaking beer glasses and singing dirty songs and telling dirty jokes. They were having such a good time, that neither of them realised they were coming to the edge of a... waterfall! A waterfall the size of Victoria Falls!

Luckily, Gromit peeked at it and shook all the drunkenness out of his head. He saw that they were coming near the dam. What's worse? Wallace was still drunk and wasn't paying attention. The waves were rolling to the end.

"Weee!" cheered Wallace. "It's like the Infusion roller coaster at Blackpool Pleasure Beach!"

Gromit grabbed him to save him, but he didn't know what to do.

Near the waterfall, the cooker was there. He pulled a rock down and it was acting like a lever. Then he was getting something from his drawer.

Gromit saw that the water was being blocked off by a wall on the edge of the waterfall.

"Perfect! A dam!" cheered Gromit.

"A damn?" questioned Wallace. "A damn about what? Broken pieces of glasses around my penis?"

Gromit ignored him. He swam further to the dam. Then he saw a ladder and swam to it.

Nothing did Gromit knew or expect about what was waiting for him. The cooker was there, hiding something in its hands. Gromit nearly reached the surface, when he saw a giant moving cooker, patting a crane in its hands.

"Take that, drunken thieves!" the Cooker shouted, as he leaned the cane forward! Gromit was forced to jump down. A drunken Wallace was _still_ climbing the stairs. Gromit caught the last step and was watching everything. He couldn't look any more and covered his eyes up. He didn't take them off for five minutes.

"Beer cat got your tongue, Gromit?" called Wallace.

Gromit looked up. Wallace stopped and the cane was solid stiff, just like the Cooker. Then Wallace continued upwards and – BAM! Wallace's head felt like an asteroid landing. He saw the Cooker.

"Oh, look, Gromit, another one!" He put another ten pence into the cooker. He climbed down the stairs, but he was still too drunk and he let go and landed... on the row-boat with Gromit.

"What's going on?" asked Wallace.

"Bottles filled enough to last for a decade and two hours on the moon with nothing but trouble, we're going home," answered Gromit, rowing away.

"But I was beginning to enjoy myself," protested Wallace. "This is the best holiday we've ever taken!"

"The best _you've_ taken, but for me - "

And they went on, rowing and arguing.

* * *

Then the ten pence turned the cooker on. "What?" it gasped. "Where the hell have they gone to?" It put the cane away and got out its telescope. It found Wallace and Gromit, rowing away to the orange rocket. It peered closer to the rocket, then it shot up to Planet Earth. It made the Cooker think of skiing classes it could take on Earth. It quickly put the telescope back and quickly wheeled forward. Sadly, it tripped over little stones and almost fell into the beer river.

"Oh, Thank God!" it cried, picking itself up. "If I went in there, that would be the end of my life. I never knew little stones could be bastards!" And it wheeled away angrily and quickly.


	7. Escaping the Moon

Wallace had not shut up, ever since they left the dam. Gromit took no crap from him and did not stop rowing until they got to the rocket. Wallace was still complaining when they were putting the row-boat back into the rocket's "arse".

"Look, Wallace!" shouted Gromit, giving up. "We could just go on our own holidays or go on our own paths!"

"Well, that'd be a good idea, Gromit!" agreed Wallace. "Then all the peace and quiet would be... COMING!"

Gromit was confused and surprised. "Judging by that last word, you seem to mean it."  
"I do mean it!" shouted Wallace. "Look!"

Gromit turned around. They saw the Cooker coming. Wallace was panicking. He run up the ladder and kicked it off and locked himself in.

"Oh, yeah, right," said Gromit sarcastically. "Run up and save your balls and leave the intelligent dog out with a fighting cooker." He knew that the Cooker was coming closer! He ran in the basement of the rocket. The Cooker had reached the rocket... and wheeled on the spare nails Gromit had spread! Its wheels burst! Gromit waved to him, as he teleported away like the Starship _Enterprise_.

"I'm not done yet!" shouted the Cooker.

* * *

Wallace was rushing the controls to start. A big blue light appears behind him. He grabs a rolling pin and waits for the creature to appear. When it does, Wallace lets him have it! And he lets him have it _so_ well.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" asked an angry Gromit. "Do you ever think before you do anything?"  
"I – I – I amused you were that alien bastard," was Wallace's best answer. "Where did you get that teleport anyway?"

"I stole it from that fake Starship _Enterprise _that chased us," answered Gromit.

Then beeping was wailing around the room. "You even set the rocket to self-destruct?" Gromit quickly got up and ran like the wind. He put everything right – 360 degrees around from what Wallace did.

Everything was and everyone sat back in their original positions.

"Hold tight, lad, and think of Ringo Starr's Fish and Chips Shop!" called Wallace.

"I will," Gromit said back. But he was more focusing on the clock, that's counting down. Five... Four... Three... Two... One... DING! The clock finished but nothing happened like before. No rumble. It was as calm as Wallace's sofa. They all thought as hard as they could. Then Wallace got it.

"Oh, shit!" shouted Wallace. "The fuse! You forgot to light the bloody fuse!"

"Me?"

"Well, you were there last."

"You made this bloody machine and wanted to go on this bloody holiday!" Gromit shouted back.

Then there was a slight rumble and the security alarm wailed. They were totally screwed up!

* * *

That slight rumble was the the entrance the Cooker had made into the basement with its blue lightsaber. It jumped in and used the lightsaber as a torch. But it was so dark the lightsaber wasn't really much help. The Cooker waved it around to see and hit one beer bottle. BOOM! The Cooker was shot out but a gigantic beer explosion! As if that wasn't frustrating enough, it saw the rocket taking off. Up the rocket flew, leaving a fizzle footprint mark in the universe.

Wallace was off the sofa (and his arse) and cheering! "I did it! I did it! I did it!" Then he saw Gromit at the controls, looking annoyed with him. "All right," Wallace sighed. "_We_ did it."

"Neither of us did it," Gromit told Wallace sadly, pointing to the window. "Look."

Wallace looked out of the window with Gromit.

Back on the moon surface, the Cooker was on its backside. It picked itself up. "Why?" he groaned quietly. "Why? WHY?"

It grabbed the pieces from the rocket and started to bash the moon with them. Then it stopped as it saw the speed-boat, _Superboat, _zooming past. It had an idea.

* * *

Later, _Superboat_ was zooming past and it was trailing a hook. And the Hook was carrying the Cooker on its brand new skis. It was beer-skiing and drinking with a pint of beer in a beer glass. He rose a toast to the air.

Wallace and Gromit knew who that toast was for: them.

"Well, Wallace, coming on this holiday wasn't a waste of a time. We discovered that alien life exists, machines have a life on their own and we gave them a present," Gromit said proudly.

"Yeah, it was just like the time we chuck money to the poor people in India," remembered Wallace.

_It was true. About ten years ago, Wallace and Gromit was spreading money to the people in Delhi_._ Then the Police stopped them. British Pigs! "You are under arrest for wasting half of the British Bank's money on Indian property!" they shouted._

_Gromit didn't believe what he just heard. "You demanded a loan for half of the British Economy for India?"_

_"You said I should do my bit," protested Wallace. "And this was the best idea I could come up with." _

_And they ran for it, but the Police was never far away to caught them._

"So let's drink to our success," Wallace subject-changed. "Set co-ordinates for 62 West Wallaby Street."

Gromit sighed and did so. As the rocket went smoothly, Wallace went to the fridge and was in for a terrible shock. His expected-full fridge was empty as a supermarket with no crumb of cheese.

"Gromit, what the hell happened to the beer?" demanded Wallace.

"Well, that cooker must've blew the beer up," answered Gromit. "If he didn't, we wouldn't have left the moon and get us home. Shows you much fate works in mysterious ways."

"Well, the moon's not very far from Earth," said Wallace. "Turn around and let's get more."

"No can do, Wallace," Gromit told him. "Because we – we – we -"

The rocket was wobbling and the screen was bright in flames.

"Oh, my God!" screamed Wallace. "We're burning up! Help! Help! Call the Fire Service! Call Fireman Sam!"

"No!" shouted Gromit. "We're just coming into atmosphere! We'll be home soon!"

* * *

Back at 62 West Wallaby Street...

"Good evening," greeted Tom Tucker. "Welcome back to 62 West Wallaby Street News."

"The good news," began Diana Simmons, "is that the party for the last couple of days has been a success."

"How's the party, Ollie?" asked Tom.

"SMASHIN'!" screamed Ollie from the party.

"Thanks, Ollie," said Tom. "The bad news is that, without warning, after their successful mission to the moon but failure to bring back their endless supply of beer, Wallace and Gromit are returning in a ball of fire. Such as hot metal heads."

* * *

The orange rocket was falling through the sky. Gromit couldn't handle the controls.

"We're going to die!" shouted Gromit.

"No, we're not," said Wallace calmly. He picked up a parachute and put it on. "There's a lifeboat for you, Gromit. Just aim for the water." He opened the door and pulled the parachute out, which, of course, is burned by the burning atmosphere. Wallace shut the door and screamed and panicked! He ran to Gromit and hugged him for protection.

"We're going to die!" Wallace screamed.

Gromit was panicking, but he wasn't giving up. He continued to fiddle with the controls.

Outside, the rocket wasn't on fire, but it was still out of control. It was coming in at 62 West Wallaby Street.  
"Don't hit our house!" shouted Wallace.

"What do you think I'm trying _not_ to do?" Gromit shouted back.

It was getting in closer... and closer... and closer... and then – WHOO! It just missed number 62! The rocket continued upwards.

"Well done, Gromit," said Wallace. "Now try to us get down!"

"Make your bloody mind up, Wallace!"

* * *

Back at 62 West Wallaby Street...

"Welcome back," greeted Tom Tucker. "In later news, the orange rocket tried to make a crash-landing here but later pulled out and gone to find a safe spot."

"In other news," interrupted Diana Simmons. "Ex-President George W. Bush is moving to the Lake District to avoid the criticism of his presidency."

* * *

The rocket was coming in... for a crashing! Gromit tried his best and he seemed to have landed gently. Wallace and Gromit laugh and cheer. They hug each other and dance around. They opened the door and was shocked to see where they were. They were in the Lake District and they saw they were on a big beautiful grand house. They got out and walked on the roof.

"Well, this is a perfect sight," sighed a happy Wallace. "Lake Windermere! Is there a better sight?"

"Yes there is," said an American voice.

Wallace and Gromit looked down and saw an angry mob of Americans, holding signs of how bad and stupid Ex-President Bush is.

"You caught Bush!"

"He belongs to our asses now!"

"What are we waiting for?"

"Let's take him to my friend's pig styles and put him in a pig jacuzzi!"

They all climbed the house and peered under the rocket. Bush _was_ there and he was drunk as Jack Sparrow. The Americans took him away.

"Think we could go after Brown now?" asked Gromit.

They smiled at each other and laugh. Wallace laughed so much he fell on the chimney and it all crumbed down. Inside was two pale lagers.

"Maybe taking Bush's favourite pale lagers will be enough," chuckled Wallace, pouring the glasses. He gave one to Gromit. They toasted to their holiday and drank to their good health.

THE END

(Wallace and Gromit (Peter and Brian Griffin will return in _There's__ A Criminal in my House_)


	8. Credits

"The End," finished Peter, as the house's power came up. Everyone cheered.

"Wow, Dad! That was very different," said Meg happily.

"It's better than _Robot Chicken_ for sure," smiled Peter.

"Oh, don't start all that again," sighed Chris. "_Robot Chicken_ has made like 5,000 sketches."

"Yeah and Nick Park may have made only like five hours of film, but he takes it slowly and seriously and that's why he's special," argued Lois.

The others agreed, much to Chris's annoyance. "I don't believe this!" Chris snapped as he walked away.

* * *

**Cast List**

Peter Griffin as Wallace

Brian Griffin as Gromit

Joe Swanson as the Cooker

Mice extras include Glenn Quagmire, Cleveland Brown, Tom Tucker, Diana Simmons, Ollie Williams, Mort Goldman, Bruce the Performer and Clan leader Adam West.

**Credits**

Written by Bobby South

Based on _A Grand Day Out_ written by Nick Park and Steve Rushton

Wallace and Gromit created by Nick Park

_Family Guy_ created and developed by Seth MacFarlane, with the co-development of David Zuckerman


End file.
